I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.