* I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
* Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.
* What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I’m leaving.
* When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
* I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

* I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, “Cut it out!”

* I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks