Ruffini Chianti Classico: “You sad conservatives! You simply cannot bring yourselves to appreciate the sublime aesthetics of a Barack Obama — the soaring rhetoric, the elevation and glory of beauty and style over the drab, pedestrian monotony of functionality, so blandly redundant in its predictable partisan substance. You are monkeys. And as such, you don’t deserve one so postmodern as a Barack Obama.

“– Nor, come to think of it, do you deserve me. You don’t serve elegance alongside hillbilly kitsch. So please, donate me to a progressive family, I beg of you — lest I die of shame being juxtaposed so closely with a 64 oz plastic bottle of Mountain Dew…”